June 8, 2013

I've had friends ask for a birth story and I really don't have one for Calvin. I mean, there is a story.  But I just can't say that I look back on those two days with fondness. I love and adore my baby and it was the very best day just like all of the other days simply because any day you conclude a pregnancy and are finally introduced to a new love of your life is a best day.

But guys, sometimes those best days aren't bad days, but they aren't exactly good days either.  It started pretty awkwardly as we had family in town (I was so glad to have them) and they had to leave and my family (we took everyone) went to the doctors office where it was decided to induce that very night.  I called my mom and she dropped everything and drove over and the birthing center called and told us to come in at 11:30.  So we frantically got the house in order while Ken went back to work to get things in order there.  My mom arrived just an hour before we had to leave and we visited while I finished folding and putting away laundry. I should have taken a nap but there just was not time, and it's really difficult to sleep anyways when you are about to go have a baby.

I should have known to say no to an 11:30 pm inducing.  I'm not good at missing a night of sleep.  I did it when Avery was born and I remember that being the hardest part of new parenthood, the exhaustion.  I should have known better, as this time I have three other demanding children that need me to be on my best.  My first nurse was sweet and got us set up pretty quickly and we were hooked up and started pretty quickly.  It was really great to have that time with Ken and it was fun for a while.

The night went on and my labor was very slow to progress and then when it did, the nurses slowed it down because of some deceleration of the baby's heart when I would have a contraction.  They wanted to watch the baby.  Which would have been fine if they could have FOUND the baby and if he would have sat still.  But what they didn't know was that even in utero, this baby is the most wiggly baby ever.  They would get it set up, then leave, and the baby would move so they couldn't hear his heartbeat, then they would come in and tell me to stop moving the monitor (not guilty!!!) and this happened over and over and over and over again.  Made for a pretty long night.  I'm not very good on lost sleep and the lost sleep plus nurses over and over again telling me that I was doing something wrong started to wear on me.

Finally in the morning my doctor came in and broke my water which sped things up a bit.  For some reason they stopped worrying about the baby and we let labor progress.  Just as it was starting to really hurt, I asked for an epidural.  My nurse came in and told me that the epidural guy was heading into a c-section and that it would be approximately 2 hours before I could get it.  I was pretty sure I was going to have the baby within 2 hours, so I panicked and had to go inside to try to calm down.  Somehow I went into a zone and at the same time, my labor stopped.  My contractions just went away.  I was closing my eyes, trying to focus on staying calm and my body was so calm that the contractions went away.  A few hours later, the anesthesiologist came in and got me hooked up and my contractions started up again.  Crazy what the body will do.

And then we waited.  I'm not very good being chained to a hospital bed, but that was what I was.  All. day. long.  I was anxious, and just wanted it to be over so we could move on.  The Lord is always teaching me patience, it's a lesson I have to learn over and over again.  Calvin's birth day was no exception.  It didn't help that I was exhausted and had missed a night of sleep and I just wanted to get up and run a mile. That or sleep uninterrupted for two days straight. I knew if I had trusted my body on my own schedule, the labor would have gone more smoothly, and I regretted letting the doctor rush it.  But then again, the uncertainty of the end of pregnancy can be torturous, especially when you have the care of children to consider.  To finally have some certainty was a relief, and to have my mom taking care of my kids was something that I was incredibly grateful for, so I was glad that we were moving forward. Oh the emotions of an exhausted mom. It feels a bit like mental illness, I'm not going to lie.

Finally, I decided that I was tired of laying still like the nurses told me.  I knew that if I kept lying there flat on my back that my baby would be stuck in there forever.  So I trusted my instinct and (though I was chained by the epidural and monitors) I sat up completely straight, almost in a yoga pose.  My legs were spread open (butterfly style, as if I was stretching) and I sat straight up, placing the baby in a position where his head could press down on the cervix.  The nurses kept coming in and lying my bed back when they would check the monitor but as soon as they left I would crank it back up again and sit up. Ken went to eat and brought me back some food because I was absolutely empty.  No sleep and no food, I was kind of melting.  He would sneak me a bite of a banana and a donut, one bite at a time so in case I had to go in for an emergency I would only have one bite in my stomach. It all went pretty fast once we took control again.  My body knew exactly what it needed to do and soon I was feeling some pretty intense pain.

I thought my epidural had gone out so I kept pressing the button and when the nurses would come in, I would be moaning and in pain and I finally laid my bed back down and got into the fetal position.  They didn't check me because I hadn't been making any progress, but I kept complaining that it hurt so bad, so finally they decided to check me about an hour later.  Of course what I thought was a worn out epidural was instead a baby's head crowning and everything changed in a quick flurry.  The delivery team was whisked in and they set the room up and I remember the sweetest doctor coming in and telling me that she was probably going to have to leave because she was in the process of delivering four babies at once.

They told me to push and with one push and a few little coughs, I had my little man.  It was just that quick.  They put him on my chest and BOY was that a furious little baby.  I'll never forget the anger that this baby was born with.  He had been stuck there in that birthing canal for a good hour, and it must have hurt because, WOW, he was mad.  I could not get him to calm down.  There were so many nurses and they kept telling me what to do "don't touch him so much, some babies don't like to be touched" and "he probably will never like to be touched" or "hold him this way" or "you are nursing wrong" or so many things.  One thing about me is that I just need to be left alone when things are stressful.  These nurses were driving me nuts.  I just needed them to go away.  I have four children, I will figure this out if you will all just leave.

Finally they all left and once it was quiet in the room I was able to get my mad little baby to calm down a bit.  He would calm down and then look up at me and his lip would quiver a bit again and he would wail out again.  Poor little guy was so traumatized I think by the birth. I wish I had been checked earlier so they could have known that I was ready and he wouldn't have been smooshed for so long. I wonder if that would have made a difference.  And for the record, my nurses were wrong-- he does love to be touched.  He loves it when I rub his head, and he ALWAYS wants to be touched by his mom.  He just needed peace and quiet and he didn't want anyone else touching him. He is his mama's boy. He seems to have a high need for contact with that mama lady.

We got a few minutes together and then they came back to clean him up.  Ken tried to get some photos, but couldn't get my camera to focus.  :)



Check out that sad little face.  That was what he did for the longest time, he was just so, so sad.



It's pretty crazy how quickly a mom feels bonded to a new baby.  He was my baby and I was his mama and it doesn't matter if he needs to cry for hours and hours, he's my sweet little guy.



One of my very favorite parts of giving birth is the opportunity to introduce him to my other children.  Avery is at the perfect age to get a new baby brother and was absolutely sobered and smitten the very moment she laid eyes on him.  She pretty much didn't stop staring at him the entire time she was at the hospital visiting.  Nice bling, thanks to Grandma!





Corban, first time holding his brother.  It's pretty special to have a brother.



"Just grow up a bit and I'll teach you how to climb onto the roof, okay?"



Calvin brought the kids a bag of My Little Ponies that he had ordered off of eBay so there were a BUNCH of them.  Turns out those ponies caused so many fights, Calvin probably should have ordered just one for each child, so that nobody had to fight over them.  :)



Finally!  Hallelujah!  Food!  24 hours of strenuous labor later, turns out that hospital food can be downright miraculous after waiting so long.





Checking out his tiny little body.



Penelope's first turn holding the little guy.



It seems to me that it was just a few minutes ago that she was born and it was she that was so tiny in my arms.  Time flies.



It was about five minutes after this shot that we had a little fiasco with the nurses and long story short somehow I was assigned the new nurse on the block (I was tired and less than cheerful and she somehow got straight on my nerves).  She was obviously nervous and inexperienced and she kept jabbering and requiring responses from me.  My baby didn't like the noise, and I didn't like her acting like she was my best friend and interrupting my family time.  I was obviously cranky.  But then the other nurses were getting impatient for her to move me, so she stood there watching me finish my meal (which she originally brought in and told me to take my time) and I finally said, "Okay lets make this move."  So she got all flustered and I was holding my baby and things started feeling chaotic and she pulled up a wheelchair and said, "lets test your legs."  My legs had been pretty numb but I was able to kind of swing them around so I said, "sure" and I stood up and of course my legs gave out on me.  It was the most horrifying experience of my life.  I stood up and it was like my legs were made of rubber, I swear they bent backwards, it was insane. Such a crazy feeling to not be in control. She was supposed to be supporting me but somehow I went forward with the baby in my arms.  I don't remember with all of the chaos everything but as I was going down she was shouting and grabbing at the food tray (what the @#$?!!!).  I said, "SOMEBODY PLEASE TAKE MY BABY!!!" and the food tray clattered to the ground spilling everywhere and I hit the ground just as my husband rushed in and grabbed my baby. There were nurses everywhere suddenly and it felt just horrifying. Food everywhere, my kids were watching in amazement.  I was so stressed, somehow I said, "I need a new nurse" and Ken told me to calm down, that it was fine, although he said he was pretty upset at the time as well. The more experienced nurses got me up and changed and took out the epidural line which was still in my back (this nurse was that bad), got me a new set of clothes and reassured me that this was fine. They were muttering about my nurse, I just could not believe the situation. I'm a generally strong and capable person, how did this happen?  I mean, I was upset about the situation. The nurse should not have allowed this to happen. But partially, I was just horrified and embarrassed of myself. My mom radar should have warned me of danger. I should have been mentally together enough to say, "Am I supposed to stand up with a baby?" or "I don't know, my epidural was pretty strong, my legs probably won't work very well" but somehow I just didn't. The chaos of trying to move rooms and my kids were all there, and I was just in such a cloud. My previous child births, I was able to bounce right up and to the bathrooms and it's never really been a problem so I didn't realize it would be a problem this time.  But I have given birth enough times to know that you aren't allowed to stand up with a baby. It's against hospital policy.  But my nurse didn't seem to mind so it didn't worry me. But somehow a lack of a night of sleep and 24 hours without much food and a nurse that was draining my sanity somehow distracted me enough and I put my baby in danger.  But guys, don't you think she should have been the experienced one?  She does this every single day.  I had just gone through a huge life changing event and she is supposed to be the one to be thinking clearly. It was just awful.  After a bunch of ridiculous chaos, we finally changed rooms to a room that was overheated and I finally got everyone off of my back.  I was fine, the baby was fine, I just had to put it out of my mind, it was too upsetting to me to keep thinking about it.  Like I say, my husband was the one to swoop in and save my baby and that's pretty much all that matters.  The baby wasn't hurt and I wasn't hurt so I just had to let it go.

My family stayed for a while then Ken took the kids home and my mom and I sat and stared at my baby.  He was so beautiful, he just got more and more beautiful as time went on.  We wondered about the mission this little boy was here to fulfill.



The more we stared at him, the more he would stare back.



These photos were taken on day 2 when I put him down so I could shower and get ready to go.  You couldn't have gotten me out of this hospital fast enough.  I just wanted to be home with my family.  But isn't it just the most fun thing in the world to stare at this new person and try to get to know them?



Well, hello, there.  What's your name?  I'm your mom and I love you forever.



Our hospital room became very serious for hours while Ken and I stared at him, trying to feel what his name was.  We had a list that we had gone over a million times.  Calvin was usually one of the third string names, it was always there but we just hadn't really taken it very seriously.

But eventually we both agreed.  This baby is Calvin.  We'll call him Cal.

Or maybe Henry.

But probably Calvin.

But what about Henry?

Finally, we both decided that he was probably Calvin but we thought to flip a coin.  Remember how we flipped a coin and decided to go to Hearst Castle? That turned out so well, we decided that we'd flip a coin to name our baby also.

Heads, you are Calvin, tails, you are Henry.**

As luck would have it, we flipped heads.  Calvin Wesley.  It's such a pleasure to meet you. You might just be the most beautiful human being I've ever laid eyes on.



**Ken and I both admitted afterwards that we had decided on Calvin so if we had flipped Henry we would have objected.  But it was fun to think that a coin toss determined our baby's name.

Ken left to take the kids to church, and Calvin and I began the long wait until release.  Best part of my day was when the specialist came in to test his hearing.  Cutest ever.



And something about that technician, I liked her very much.
Anyways.  We waited and waited and waited.  Stubborn little guy needed to have a bowel movement before we left, but he wasn't going to have anything of the sort.  So we waited and waited and they almost didn't release us but we begged and eventually the pediatrician said we could check in with our doctor the next day.

Waiting to be released, Ken and kids came after church.  The thing that cracks me up in these photos is everyone stealing my water bottle over and over again.



The joy of getting to know baby brother.



He's crying in pretty much all of these photos, because he's not exactly the type of baby who loves chaos.  But we love him anyways, we just call him sort of a cranky old man.  Easily agitated.



True joy on my kids faces.  Such a precious time.













(Corban has the water now)







Just when the energy level in our room was about to burst, they let us go!  Hooray! Back home we went with our new precious little cargo.  I looked back in my car and saw my four children and I felt complete again.  It's amazing how life can change.

Sister can't keep her hands off.  He's always had a special love of this girl.




And because no new baby post would be the same without pictures of exhausted bloated, post pregnancy mom, I will include them for posterity's sake.



It felt like I landed on the couch and then didn't get off for days.  My memory is that I slept on the couch for an entire week.  Baby and I just were so exhausted.



On Tuesday, I came down with a terrible fever.  It was worrisome, I worried that something was wrong but when I talked to the hospital they didn't seem to be concerned.  My fever went up to 103 then 104 and I felt like it was probably time for me to die.  Luckily just when it got bad, I prayed (my last prayer before I died, felt like) and finally my fever started to go down. I was so lucky that Ken was home to take care of me and to take care of life.  Friends came and went with my kids and with food and I felt like the most cared for human in the world.  So many people and so many kind actions. I only had the fever for one day, so don't let my drama fool you, it wasn't really that bad.

But the truth is that that first week was kind of a cloud.  Definitely not like when Penny was born-- Penny's birth was hardly even a speed bump in life.  She was born and we were up and running the next day.  Calvin's birth was sweet and wonderful also but it just straight up leveled me for a week. It was kind of a cloud, looking back, but I will never forget the feeling of just letting life slip by and allowing people to help.  I felt so helpless but so grateful for people who cared.





Days spent clutching my newborn, I know it was a bonding time for both of us. Catching up on a night of sleep lost, on the physical changes in my body and his, trying to let our space and time continuum right itself. Heaven is so near with a newborn in a home.  What a special time for our family.

Snoozing while mom takes her first shower at home again.



I have adored my sweet baby sleeping in his moses basket.



Sweet, sweet baby.  Only sleeping for short periods at a time, so showers had to be QUICK.  Ha ha.  Such a sign of the months to come. I was feeling like I needed to try to get some newborn shots, but my first attempt didn't go so well.



He does look so tiny, which is why I kept these shots.



When I took out the pacifier, he woke up immediately.



What the heck do you think you are up to?





Nope.  Not going to get that shot I was looking for.







I know, they are bad.  But no worries, I let my brain clear for a few days then finally sat down to try again and came up with some photos that turned out more to my liking.  I posted them here.  Life with this baby has been the best and hardest of my life. Similar to those years when I had three tinies at one time, I'm being taken to my limit every single day.  But it feels good.  It hasn't always been pretty but we're doing it.  My kids are fed and healthy and taken care of, and my baby is thriving.  Life is good, we are blessed.  As Avery used to say, "I am a lucky bum."



Welcome to our life little Calvin the Wesley. Our life will never be the same.