A day in the life of a mom...

Today is our first not insane day of this week-with a busy weekend and weeks ahead of us, I'm trying to make the most of our one day of a calm-ish schedule.  But I broke one of my resolves this morning.  I call them resolves because goals don't really work for me, so I do resolves.  Things like exercise regularly, eat well and never skip breakfast, keep my car clean inside and out, etc...  resolves.  One of my firmest resolves is to be a sweet, smiling, supportive happy face to my kids during those periods of the day that leave the biggest impression on them (since I can't be this 24/7 unfortunately)-- when they first wake up, as we drive to school, when I pick them up from school, when they go to bed (this one isn't my forte and I'm not sure it ever will be). During these times I've been trying EXTRA hard to be a loving, sweet supportive mom.

But dang, mornings are so stressful!  SOOOOO stressful! And I've missed my morning runs lately which seem to somehow get us all up on the right feet (adrenaline? seratonin?). It's a calm moment waking up then the mad dash to get all of the sleepy little people up, cleaned up, Avery's hair done, Penny's hair done, breakfast made, lunches made, breakfast eaten, lunches loaded, backpacks in order, shoes on, baby changed, baby fed, baby cleaned up, baby loaded, teeth brushed, water bottles filled and everyone in the car, buckled properly.  Then comes the speedy drive TO the school because no matter my efforts, if we aren't in those gates exactly on time, the little people get the tardies.

Usually I can regroup in the car on the way over there, passing back the sunscreen, smiling at them, going over the positives and negatives of the morning.  Sometimes they get a lecture, sometimes I exclaim their awesomeness, but my resolve is to make that a special family time.  We say a little prayer most days as we drive, and I try to make it a special launching for them.

Today.  Oh, today.

Despite my relief of not having to be anywhere this morning (read: I didn't have to get myself and baby dressed and ready before school), somehow I'm still wound tight.  Which is understandable considering our week has been so tightly scheduled with no moments to unwind, and lots of obstacles to serenity popping up everywhere. I've been like the person playing that Whack-a-Mole game. Something comes up, BOP.  Something else, BOP.  I've got this.  BOP, BOP, BOP.  That's the life of a mom. But this morning I just somehow woke up noticing everything-- the laundry tossed all over the house, the dirty dishes, unmade bed, naughty dog who took food FROM the baby when it wasn't offered, kids irreverent during the prayer, complaints about the lunches I was making before I had even finished, slow, sleepy kids who just couldn't move their bodies, the pile of wet and dry laundry, diapers, water bottles, and everything from the bottom of the minivan that someone had conveniently shoved out of the side of the car and considered it "handled", so many things I was just noticing, but resolving to make it a positive morning for the people. Because the people need a happy mom, and I'm nothing if not a happy mom.

And then.  The bubble bursts, the dam collapses.  We are driving (on our way to late), I'm asking Corban to read with Penny the book that we hadn't read the night before that I found in her homework folder (we did her other homework, though, yay!).  They proceed to read a DIFFERENT BOOK, so I'm trying not to get in an accident, trying to explain to them to PUT DOWN THE OTHER BOOK AND READ THIS ONE.  They get the right one, start to read, and we get close to the school so I say pass the book forward, we will have to finish it tonight.  They instead of listening to me go ahead and keep reading.  My voice turns loud and shrill, "HAND IT FORWARD!  NOW!!" which they take to mean, "Tug of war!!!!" and they start pulling the book back and forth, back and forth, back and forth and I'm driving but watching in my rear view, "DON'T!!!!!!! YOU WILL TEAR IT!!!  STOP, BOTH OF YOU!!! DROP IT!!" but of course nobody drops it and then I'm sure I wasn't watching the road because right before my eyes, the book gives out and one of the pages tears out.  Now the kids are crying and hitting each other out of anger, and guys.

I lose my meatballs.

My resolve is to be nice, send them out the door with a smile and wave.  But the natural man in me just doesn't do the smile and wave when my kids disobey and tear their teachers books and hit each other.  So my sweet resolve goes WAAAAAAY the other direction and starts screeching in the scariest voice, all of the frustration coming out in one ugly voice. There may or may not have been some bad words (I know, it's not pretty) and the kids pass forward the ripped book and page and I seethe in anger.  But then Penny starts crying (it's her teacher's book) and I realize that she is more important than the book (WHY DIDN'T I SAY THAT in the moment, though?).  It was only a few moments but I had shattered my resolve and ruined the morning.  

I told them I was still mad but that we needed to say a prayer (we were still running on the late side, with one more minute to go) so I said a little prayer in the drive through line but I could tell nobody was listening.  I sent them on their way, telling Penny to dry her tears, that I love her but just am mad, and have a good day.  She walked off and I felt like an utter failure.  I wanted to walk with her, hold her hands and kiss her face and say, "it will be fine! Just go have a great day, we'll fix it after school!!" but I couldn't (naked baby in car, she was just barely going to make it on time and our school is strict with tardies).  So I had to drive away, praying that my girl is strong enough to stand up even after she is sad.  

Sigh. Ugh.  Blech.

Sometimes being a mom is the hardest.

I know moms with sick kids have it the very hardest.  I know parents who don't currently have small children tell us how fast they grow and to hold them and enjoy them and don't sweat the small stuff.  I know that it's a fleeting time, but sometimes that's what makes it even worse when you mess up. When you sweat the stupid small stuff.  I should have just smiled and stuck a dollar in the book for the teacher so she could buy another one.  I should have told my kids that they made a mistake and not do to it again, but saying it in a calm manner. I should have sent them from my car with their shoulders and head held high, ready to seize the day.  But it didn't happen.  Two of my kids felt bad on their way in.  Two of them had a little bit of a drag to their step today. One hung her head a little lower than usual. And not because of the world, because of me.  The pain of that is haunting and a little excruciating.

These are the times that I pray that the angels will be with them.  Helping them to remember the depth and power and magnitude of the love that I DO have for them, and that they are valuable and important and meaningful in this world.  I want them to know that their actions have consequences, but I know that there are better ways to teach that.  I know she is over it, I know Corban was over it the very moment he walked into class. But as a mom, you never really fully get over it when you know you need to do better.  And so here I am, resolving yet again. Feeling the importance of my resolve, and vowing to make it better. 

And that is a day in the life of a mom.

Update:  No children were harmed in the making of this post. Thank goodness!  Picked up Penny from school today and after she leapt into my arms telling me about her amazing day, I brought up the morning with her and she couldn't recall the specifics.  LOL.  I pushed deeper and she just remembered the morning but it meant nothing to her.  Ha ha.  Also such is a day in the life of a mom.